It's a strange thing to be a social person and then suddenly be quite alone. I've been sans husband now for four years. It's a strange journey to at times love the solitude and then at other times to hate it. But I guess this year, I'm just embracing the solitude. Herman Hesse said, "Solitude is Independence." And in many ways, I think that's true. I'm not sure it's totally happiness for me, but I can agree it's independence.
My friend Micquelle says this about changing from socialite to solo player: "If your whole life you love cake and suddenly, there's no cake, you're f*cked." I'm not sure I need and or like cake quite as much as she does, but it will make sense to you if you're like we are.
Still, I find I rather like the independence when I travel and in the way I raise my children. I don't like people telling me what to do. Not at all. I don't think I'm always right, but I don't like being wrong either.
Since the beginning of the year, I've done nothing but read. It's rather anti-social of me, really, but it is nice to have something that generates conversation. If not with someone, than in my head. And though I'd rather talk to someone about it, perhaps my own thoughts are more pleasing than the arguments and naivety of others. I rather dislike confrontation and argument these days. I neither have the temperament nor the interest in it.
Right now, I'm so loving Herman Hesse and Paulo Coehlo. They both speak of good and evil, the soul, the character and quest of man. Their writings are more parables than narratives, and I very much like that. And neither of them tie things up with a tidy bow, which I think is far more realistic to life.
So far this year, I've not stayed home one weekend, and I've not done a single dish. I do prefer travel and reading to cleaning after all. Better to have a stack of dishes unwashed than a stack of books un-read. I'm trying to decide what next weekend will bring. Maybe Park City. That would be fun. NO - perhaps I'll go to Solitude and ski. Exquisite idea indeed. And so apropos based on my journey so far this year. That will be nice.
Perhaps I'm learning that by reading and traveling I get more chances to just see the world - not just through my eyes but through the lives of others. Maybe that's it.
As a side note: if I believed in the book "The Secret," I'd be failing. I have no ability to command the universe, but I do like observing it.
